Snow Whale

Hey have you ever looked at a super long snow bank and felt too lazy to walk all the way around it when the door to the business you're trying to get to is like right in front of you? So you look at the snow bank and say to yourself "meh, looks compact enough" and you start climbing the thing and before you know it, both your legs sink completely in and you're standing there with snow up to your crotch like a 36 year old toddler? And you just know that when you try to get your legs out of there your damn boots and socks will stay embedded in the bottom of the snow bank and pretty soon you'll be crawling around the top of the thing, on your stomach, bare feet trying to get your boots out of the God forsaken thing looking like a beached whale in a parka? No? Well you should try it, it's good exercise.

Merry Freakin Christmas

There are Christmas balls and garlands and lights all over the freaking floors... I'm pretty sure Adie's eaten the baby Jesus and I found tinsel merrily boiling in my marinara sauce. The house looked great for about 30 seconds after I finished decorating. Now it looks like the Taliban hit Santa's workshop. I've way too many children. That is all.

Stupid Rubix cube

Morning before husband goes to work , I'm sitting on the couch fiddling with a rubix cube.

Husband: who's the rubix cube belong too.

Me : one of the lunch kids left it here. Bloody thing can't be done.

Husband: sure it can, see you have to start with the middle rows and rectify in multiples of eight moves click click click click click click click click click. See? (Presents an annoyingly perfect cube, messes it up again)Here you try it, have a good day!

Husband returns from work:

Husband: so did you figure out your rubix cube?

Me : I don't want to talk about it.

Husband: Where is it?

Me : it may or my not be at the bottom of the pool.

Husband: Poor sport.

Me: It looked dehydrated.

Cadets!

Taking big boy to cadets for the first time...
In the car:

Me: you know they'll probably want you to cut your hair right?

Kid: Prffft, it's my hair I can do what I want.

Me: well I'm not sure that's how it works kid

Kid: I'm not doing it.

Me: well, your call kid, your hair your activities...but you konw hair grows back

Kid: No

Me: Mrgggg (à la Marge Simpson)

We get to the cadets:

Sargent: Welcome Cadet, you need to cut that mop off.

Kid: OK.

I find my lack of authority disturbing....

Burn in hell Web MD

So Ive been feeling extra tired a slightly feverish all day. I googled weakness and fever and the interweb pretty much convinced me I've got 52 minutes to live. NO GOOD EVER COMES OUT OF WEB MD! Someone needs to band my access to these sites for my own good.

Breakfast of Champions!

So I woke up a few minutes after the twins this morning. They apparently made themselves breakfast... Cheese doodles and strawberry quick. It's a nutritious part of a complete breakfast.

A heck of a promotion

Gabrielle -  Mommy? I don't want to only spend the holidays at Chateau Montebello this year, I want us to live there all year long!

Me - Ouch...

Gabrielle - We can't?

Me - For our family to live at the Chateau Montebello all year long it would cost about $300,000...

Gabrielle - That's a lot?

Me - Well lets jsut say that Daddy would need a heck of a promotion.

Gabrielle - Oh.

A few hours later Husband comes home from work and is greeted at the Door by Gabbie.

Gabrielle -  Hi Daddy, do you have a heck of a promotion?

Husband- .... ermmm..

We're all mad here

Husband is in the habit of calling a few times a day to see how I'm doing (I think he's making sure I haven't sold any of the kids).

Husband - How's your day?

Me - Nath won't do his homework, Gabbie got Gum in her hair, I had to cut it out, David decided it was a good idea and cut his own bangs and the twins have been in a wrestling match going on 2 hours now. My money's on Adie...

Husband - so normal day?

Me- ya.

Sad reality

I remember a time when opening the drawer underneath my oven and finding pee in my muffin tins would have surprised me...

I also remember when finding a fresh pancake under the Christmas tree when I haven't actually made pancakes for months would have made me question my sanity.

Oh and when when I use to think words like "kid stop licking your brother" and "no you may not wear my underwear on your head to school for "red and white day, I don't care if you can't find anything that fits the bill in your drawer" would never leave my lips.

In those days the though that the cause behind my toilet overflowing might be 3 toothbrushes and a troll doll stuck in the plumbing.

Sad , sad new reality....



 

ADD

Everyone always talks about the disadvantages of being married to an ADD person. But, when I'm mad at my husband I succeed in not talking to him for about 3 minutes and then I forget I'm mad and start happily chatting away, then I remember and start pouting again, but by then I've lost all credibility, so.... oh look a butterfly!!!

Sex ed is a Godsend

So my 11 year old came to see me after the other kids went to bed and said:

-The older kids had a class on sex and they told me about it, and it's soooo gross and how come you and dad had me when you weren't married and how come you and J had all my brothers s and sisters and only got married after and oh my God it's so grooossss!

 Me- ehhhh..... ehhh ok, so I know you think sex is gross right now and that's fine but you won't later, and also the stuff you may see on the net isn't real ( well you won't see it here because your step dad and I watch you all like crazy, you here me like crazy!!!) But still that stuff that you may see some place else isn't real, you see girls are like flowers, delicate flowers and you have to treat them as such but I'm getting ahead of myself. Sex is dangerous, very very dangerous. Ok it's fun and it's ok but it might kill you. Ermmm, no, i mean yes you could catch a deadly disease, or get a girl pregnant! You could die, like seriously die, aids, hepatitis, and so on, not cool man and teenage pregnancy? A baby you have to take care of as a teen instead of playing sports and getting an education and having fun with your friends? Not cool Hun not cool. You have to wear a condom, like always no matter what! But no sex isn't bad and you're not bad for thinking about it, are you? No? Oh good, come talk to me before though, ok? Erm, night.

Nailed it.
Sigh...

A cop and a martini?

So I was pulled over for speeding this morning:

Police Officer- Hi Mam you were doing 90 in a 70 zone

Me - Was I? Sorry officer I hadn't noticed the 70 zone.

Police officer - ... erm... what's that?

Me - Hun? Oh! That's my coffee.

Police officer - Isn't that a martini shaker???

Me - Yeah, I couldn't find my travel mug and it was the only this with a lid in the cupboard.

Police Officer - mind if I smell that?

Me- knock yourself out ( hands it over)

Police officer- (confirms presence of coffee and absence of martini and starts chuckling) have a nice day mam!

Me - No ticket?

Police officer - not today, dive safe!

So in conclusion. YAY MARTINI SHAKER!

Threats and candy

On the long drive back from the cottage it suddenly dawned on me that the 47 child psychology books I have read and was using as a base for raising children have insidiously been replaced by a new parenting style built on a solid foundation of threats and candy... and that's all I have to say about that.