Hey you ever...

Hey, you ever put a pizza in the oven and put it on broil,  and you're like: "I'm not
gonna mess this up . I'm gonna stand right here and make sure it doesn't burn."

And then you see your two year old run by, carrying the the beta fish bowl and you're like "Oh no! Hang on.  I'll save you fishy!" And you do save the fishy cuz let's face it, you're a superhero. But then the phone rings and you pick up and it's the guy from India or Pakistan pretending to be from Microsoft telling you that they've been receiving error messages from your computer and that if you'll just go sit in front of it, he'll show you how to fix it. And you just love it when that dude calls because you've turned it into a game where you try to get him to hang up on you using a different strategy each time. So you tell him that it's fine you'll let him "fix" your computer but before you do, you want to talk to him about Jesus Christ,  our Lord and savior.  And then you go into this whole televangelist routine,  you even put on a Southern drawl,  you know,  for authenticity.  And you tell him that he needs to to let JEAZZUS take the reins.  That we are all SINNARS and that only the LORD in his GEREATA GLORAY can save him and so on and so forth and you don't let him interrupt you. And it takes a good 5 minutes but he does eventually hang up on you.

So you're really pleased with yourself and you figure "I'm gonna call my husband and tell him how I got him to hang up this time, he'll get a kick out of that." And you do and you chat away for a few minutes but then your 5 year old walks in and he's like "Mommy the oven is on fire".

Apnea and cosplay

So my husband's sleep apnea keeps getting worse.

He coughs and snores and stops and chokes and starts all over again. I feel like I'm sleeping next to an agonizing mammoth. 

Anyway, it looks like he's going to have to get one of those oxygen machines complete with the mask and all that jazz. Because you know our bedroom was already way too romantic with the piles of trucks, legos and random unidentifiable things the kids leave around. Not to mention the fact that we usually end up sleeping with  one or four of the monsters. But you know me I'm a trooper, I figure I can probably make the best of this. Maybe we could use it for a little romantic cosplay. My husband can be Darth Vader with the weird breathing apparatus and I'll stick a couple of bagels to the sides of my head and slap on a gold bikini. I'll look just like princess Leia, you know had she swallowed an Ewok.

Crazy car dude with small engine

Yesterday I stopped at the convenience store to grab some milk... might have been beer.

There I met a young gentleman that shall from now on be refereed to as "Crazy car guy".

Now when I drove into the store parking lot, there was a space conveniently located right at the corner of the store. There was a car parked askew right next to the space but I had plenty of room to park so I drove in. I took the liberty of creating a very evolved diagram to make sure you understand how this went down.

Okay, so I happily parked in my spot and exited my vehicle. Crazy car guy's vehicle being parked askew, there was only about 2 feet between his front bumper and my van. Now because I always walk like a drunken 4 year old, as I merrily trotted by, my thigh lightly rubbed against the front bumper of his car. Now you can't tell from the diagram, but I was wearing my usual house wife attire: yoga pants... cotton yoga pants.

So as I walk by "Crazy car guy" exits his vehicle and yells:

"HEY! WATCH MY F@#$*%*! CAR!!!"

At this moment (because I'm a notorious space cadet) I start to doubting myself "OMG did I hit this guy's car on the way in?" But immediately reason kicks in, I look at my van, I look at his car... I don't understand ... Then it dawns on me.

Me - Erm, are you talking about my thigh rubbing against your bumper as I walked by?

Crazy car guy - Yeah, don't touch my God Damn car...

I'm looking at this dude in utter disbelief... seriously?

Me - Honey, my pants aren't made of steal wool, I'm pretty sure they're cotton, your car's fine, why are you freaking out?

Crazy Car guy - I don't usually talk to "bleep!" like you but you touched my car so...

I stare at the guy trying to figure out what to do about this, in all honesty, I'm shaking a little and pissed a lot. Then it comes to me. A ridiculously immature thing to say, but holy crap, the satisfaction!

Me - You know, in psychology class we learn that men who are obsessed, and overly aggressive about their vehicles are usually just insecure about the size of their penises. I'm sorry you have to go through that. But unless you want to file a police report I'll be on my way.

(Note to people who have studied psychology... I made this theory up. I, in no way, claim that this is true or based on fact. I may have loosely based it on a Freudian concept, but I was pretty sure this dude was about as educated as a pigeon so I figured it would pass.)

There was another guy in the passenger seat of crazy car dude's vehicle, and he bursts out laughing. "Crazy car guy" calls me an unsavoury name, then reenters his vehicle and slams the door.

End of encounter.

As soon as I walked into our house I told husband what happened, I was still a little shaky because you know,  me no liky confrontation.

Me - I wish you had been there (for those who don't know husband, he is a very gentle and brilliant man, but he's also a very big very intimidating guy). 

Husband - Oh Babe, I'm glad I wasn't there. A black eye lasts a week, but having the size of your manhood questioned by a woman in front of your friends? Now that... that Honey, is forever!

Muhuhahahhahaha!

Birthday goals of a mother of 5

Husband - what do you want to do for your birthday?

Me- watch Netflix

Husband- ...you want to watch Netflix for your birthday. ...

Me - Ya I want to have dinner with you and the kids then lock myself in our suite with some snacks and a bottle of wine (or 3) and watch 5 continuous hours of guilt free uninterrupted Netflix in my underwear.

Husband- ...so if that's what I do for your birthday you won't think I'm cheap?

Me- heck if you do this  I will worship the ground you walk on and you will most definitely get lucky afterward.

Husband- what if you're passed out from the wine?

Me - ... ...I'll try to pass out right side up.

Husband...Deal!

Damn Catholic guilt

Hey you ever feel like maybe you should feel bad about something, but you really don't. So you start feeling bad about the fact that you're not feeling bad about said thing? And you're like, well at least I feel bad about not feeling bad so I can't be that bad of a person right?

Snow Whale

Hey have you ever looked at a super long snow bank and felt too lazy to walk all the way around it when the door to the business you're trying to get to is like right in front of you? So you look at the snow bank and say to yourself "meh, looks compact enough" and you start climbing the thing and before you know it, both your legs sink completely in and you're standing there with snow up to your crotch like a 36 year old toddler? And you just know that when you try to get your legs out of there your damn boots and socks will stay embedded in the bottom of the snow bank and pretty soon you'll be crawling around the top of the thing, on your stomach, bare feet trying to get your boots out of the God forsaken thing looking like a beached whale in a parka? No? Well you should try it, it's good exercise.

Merry Freakin Christmas

There are Christmas balls and garlands and lights all over the freaking floors... I'm pretty sure Adie's eaten the baby Jesus and I found tinsel merrily boiling in my marinara sauce. The house looked great for about 30 seconds after I finished decorating. Now it looks like the Taliban hit Santa's workshop. I've way too many children. That is all.