Yesterday I stopped at the convenience store to grab some milk... might have been beer.
There I met a young gentleman that shall from now on be refereed to as "Crazy car guy".
Now when I drove into the store parking lot, there was a space conveniently located right at the corner of the store. There was a car parked askew right next to the space but I had plenty of room to park so I drove in. I took the liberty of creating a very evolved diagram to make sure you understand how this went down.
Okay, so I happily parked in my spot and exited my vehicle. Crazy car guy's vehicle being parked askew, there was only about 2 feet between his front bumper and my van. Now because I always walk like a drunken 4 year old, as I merrily trotted by, my thigh lightly rubbed against the front bumper of his car. Now you can't tell from the diagram, but I was wearing my usual house wife attire: yoga pants... cotton yoga pants.
So as I walk by "Crazy car guy" exits his vehicle and yells:
"HEY! WATCH MY F@#$*%*! CAR!!!"
At this moment (because I'm a notorious space cadet) I start to doubting myself "OMG did I hit this guy's car on the way in?" But immediately reason kicks in, I look at my van, I look at his car... I don't understand ... Then it dawns on me.
Me - Erm, are you talking about my thigh rubbing against your bumper as I walked by?
Crazy car guy - Yeah, don't touch my God Damn car...
I'm looking at this dude in utter disbelief... seriously?
Me - Honey, my pants aren't made of steal wool, I'm pretty sure they're cotton, your car's fine, why are you freaking out?
Crazy Car guy - I don't usually talk to "bleep!" like you but you touched my car so...
I stare at the guy trying to figure out what to do about this, in all honesty, I'm shaking a little and pissed a lot. Then it comes to me. A ridiculously immature thing to say, but holy crap, the satisfaction!
Me - You know, in psychology class we learn that men who are obsessed, and overly aggressive about their vehicles are usually just insecure about the size of their penises. I'm sorry you have to go through that. But unless you want to file a police report I'll be on my way.
(Note to people who have studied psychology... I made this theory up. I, in no way, claim that this is true or based on fact. I may have loosely based it on a Freudian concept, but I was pretty sure this dude was about as educated as a pigeon so I figured it would pass.)
There was another guy in the passenger seat of crazy car dude's vehicle, and he bursts out laughing. "Crazy car guy" calls me an unsavoury name, then reenters his vehicle and slams the door.
End of encounter.
As soon as I walked into our house I told husband what happened, I was still a little shaky because you know, me no liky confrontation.
Me - I wish you had been there (for those who don't know husband, he is a very gentle and brilliant man, but he's also a very big very intimidating guy).
Husband - Oh Babe, I'm glad I wasn't there. A black eye lasts a week, but having the size of your manhood questioned by a woman in front of your friends? Now that... that Honey, is forever!
Muhuhahahhahaha!
